Space Invaders

I’ve been living alone in this huge two story villa for 4 weeks now and finally the love of my life has returned (with some family members in tow), to brighten my life and prevent me from going “Island Crazy” without them. A welcome invasion of this huge empty space, if ever there was.

So, Fiona and “bubindabelly”, arrived about 2pm in the arvo and I picked them up “quick-az” on the scooter in an absolute flash. I was in and out the airport quicker than a teenage boy in a brothel.

And speaking of space invaders, Fiona’s arrival at the villa must have been like being visited by aliens from another planet, when she walked in the door, right into the waiting open arms of…

A 60 year old American man…in his underpants!

My next door neighbour, John. He’s a nice guy with a big heart but, an even bigger pair of y-fronts. His heart is definitely in the right place, but his underpants are usually not (up around his neck).

So we talked, swam…and looked away every time he climbed in and out the pool.

About 11pm that evening, I picked up Fiona’s Entourage (mother Irene, sister Stephanie and niece, Candy). Only this time, I was in a cab with our Bali Taxi driver friend, Gede, so we were in and out the airport slower than a 40 yr old Bigfoot enthusiast losing his virginity.

So, ’tis the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature is stirring except...the hacking cough and moonlight twinkling of a sixty-year old man bobbing for Xanax.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Final Destination

Ever had a déjà Vu moment? Where you think or feel like you’ve done this before?

Today marks the 4th and last time I have to extend my visa in order to stay on this beautiful island…

Sure, that’s repetitive, but not the kind of déjà Vu I’m talking about. I actually mean, the Final Destination type of déjà Vu. The kind where you notice a string of seemingly unrelated incidents that cause a path of destruction that kills everyone before any of it actually happens!

That’s the kind of déjà Vu moment I had in the traffic this morning. Now don’t send in the Coast Guard or call 911, nothing actually happened and just to be clear…NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED! (Was that déjà Vu?)

I had the moment where I’m riding along and suddenly become aware of the guy weaving on the scooter in front of me on his mobile phone, then looked next to me at the uncovered ute with a pile of sharp aluminium table legs shifting in the back. All coming to a stop at the traffic lights behind the Elpigi tanker and the other guy on another scooter who lights up a cigarette!

But thanks to my black ops training from watching 5 Final Destination movies…I did what any hero would do…

I got my ass outta there!!

Unlike the Final Destination movies and fortunately for me, nothing happened and nobody died, which means “Death” won’t be looking me up in the Karmic phone book anytime soon.

And such is the start to yet, another crazy day in this beautiful crazy paradise 🙂

Mangku Magic

If you’ve seen the movie Eat Pray Love, then you’ll no doubt be familiar with Julia Robert’s spiritual advisor or Mangku (Hindu Priest), Ketut, from whom she seeks spiritual guidance. I too, sought out my own Mangku (I Made Winaya), and had my own experience.

The first thing that struck me about him, was how much he resembled my grandfather, who passed away over 10 years ago. Same body shape and manner, only instead of looking like a barrely little German man, he looked more like Colonel Sanders but with a much longer beard.

He didn’t tell me my future so much, but assured me everything will be fine and that I should maybe meditate a little more, just a few minutes every day, to reconnect me with “whomever or whatever may/may not be out there”. As he put it…

“Nobody knows if God exists, but…maybe?” 🙂

I’m not sure I’m convinced. But he did say he liked me very much, because I have a quiet face. Clearly, he hasn’t heard my mouth. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. I’m not really one for offensive language, but I do tend to talk a lot…about…stuff. Mostly…weird, but hey, what else would you expect from the mind of a genius?

He also pretty much insisted that I bring Fiona to meet him and he will bless her stomach for good luck with the baby, so we’ll probably schedule that in, once she’s back.

All in all, it was quite an interesting encounter. I was a little disappointed he didn’t have a long staff and float on a pink cloud, but then, I may have confused a Mangku, with Monkey Magic. The nature of either one is still…irrepressible!

7 More Things to Do at Dinner Alone…

…So you don’t look like a loser.

1. Learn a new language, like…morse code or semaphore.

2. Pretend to be blind.

3. Address everyone you speak to as Malcolm. “Thank you, Malcolm”, “Good Evening, Malcolm”. “Malcolm, how are you?”

4. Fake…Tourette syndrome.

5. Build a fort from as many tablecloths and empty chairs that you can find.

6. Leave your ID and wallet at home. (A great crowd pleaser).

7. Tell everyone you’re an expectant father!

(NB: Please note that performing some or all of these things, may not actually work. No matter what you do, eating alone in a restaurant, you will always look like a loser. Except for the last one, maybe) – JPB


No ‘Sex’ For Us Anymore

Fellow Adventurers,

As I’m sure many of you may already be aware of the accidental and somewhat suggestive and risqué address of our blog’s website…

And for those of you who may not have ever noticed it before (thank god your mind was never in the gutter), it reads like there is a very seductive and eye-catching SEX in the middle. And on top of that, it looks like ADVENTURE SEX, to boot!

(Which frankly, if you’re gonna do it, it’s the absolute and best kind).

But just so we don’t cast the wrong kind of impression on the impressionable youth of today or the judgemental frowns of yesteryear, I’ve managed to bring everything across to our brand new blogsite web address at…


Sex or No sex…I hope you continue to tune in, and be satisfied by our adventurous exploits.

(And I mean that in the best possible “G-rated” way) 🙂